meheartyou!!

you are so very welcome my love. it is easy to think of the ways you make me happy!

love,
me

hey baby! i love his poem!! thank you so much!! you are just wonderful!! i miss you lots and lots!! i'm sorry you have a fever blister on top of the wart thingy! but i want to see you more than anything! so i don't care if you can't kiss me for 2 weeks! at least i get to see you!! i miss you more than i could ever convey to you in words! 

well, on the home front, things are looking well so far. i may have a little money to bring with me to see you, so that will be good! tomorrow i am going to see mandy-ho for her b-day celebration! maybe you can call her and wish her a happy b-day, if you want! she is actually starting to miss you, maybe because joe is missing you a lot. i think she has been realizing more and more about your personality, and how to take you.  you know, like not to take the things you say personally! she has been talking to me about a lot of stuff. even the fro situation and she really feels for you! which surprised me. i think she was starting to kinda get use to fro. i don't really wanna call it "like".  but that is a good start for the two of you when you get back home. i think you will really like being an uncle! yay!!!

then sunday is krista's graduation party! omg!! she is growing up so fast! she is going to more than likely graduate with honors! she really has her head on her shoulders, well, at least when it comes to school. she is dating mosier right now! but that is not necessarily a bad thing! he mentioned to me that he may be wanting to kinda settle down and quit his man hoaring ways, so we'll see...

then monday me and the hoes will be hanging out together again prolly here! and then i will go to tonya's house to spend the night so she can take me to the airport! yay!!!!!!! happy day!! i hope!!! hehehe!!

well, i miss you and i love you!! the poem is awesome!! i love you so much baby!!

to my finest and most desirable Nicolette,

from tip to toe,
from toe to tip;
i love your eyes,
i love your hips!

from skin so soft
to hiney bare,
you make me hard!
you make me care...

from lips so wet
and kisses sweet,
I dream the day
of when we meet!

i kiss your puss, mmmmm...
i kiss your feet,
i kiss your neck-
i make you squeak!

your body is fine.
my eyes are yours.
your body is fine!
let me adore
may 28th

well, i have listened to the Avett Brothers' album you sent me twice. at first i was a little indefferent, but as i listened to it more, i liked it more. you are right, the songs do really describe us in a lot of ways. i really enjoy it! thank you for yet another wonderful music find! i must say i am missing Tom Waits, i think i will listen to him next! well, i had a good time with the hos today. i am really going to miss them when i am gone! we are going to go out  for Mandy's bday to El Nopal.  that will be fun. i think Mandy's other friends are coming also, with their significant others. i like them, they are very fun!  so, Tonya finally told Nick about Cobb. She said he said it didn't bother him, but i told her it might do some good to reassure him he has nothing to worry about.  well, our Hotie is doing well. he is as cute as can be! geeze he is spoiled!  i have been thinking about Cobb and will contact him soon to see how he fares in Livermore. i was recently debating on what books to take with me to see you, and decided you had plenty for me with you, but that i needed to take my Jane Austen books, my tree book, and Stranger in a Stranger Land book. I really liked that book, but never finished it.  I have only 2 overstuffed duffel bags to bring with me, but that should be enough!  well, of course my hotie and my very large purse as well, but i will be carrying that around in the airport with me, not checking it in. i love you very much! i am excited to read your poems! i miss you so very much! well, i will talk to you soon so i will now take my leave. hehe!! love you extremely sexy bitch!

this thing's starting to look like a real journal!

you didnt mention filming anything when I talked to you this morning, I guess you didn't film, or maybe you did! anyway, I love you babe. I miss you very badly, but it's only 18 more days!!! And now I know for sure exactly when we will be alone in coops house. I cant wait to enjoy every square inch of you!

i really appreciate you writing your thoughts down. i think you will agree with me that, after deciding to write and successfully doing so, a sese of insight spreads across the mind. it amazes me how differnt my thoughts can be once they are manifested on paper. I want to believe that in constructing thoughts in a tangible form, we are able to behold them in a light that before was only a shadowy notion.

i love you sexy, please take care of yourself so I can enjoy you fully when we see each other. I want my abby to be full of life and energy so that we may hike, and laugh, and fuck all day!!!

Ok, so I may be being filmed at work on Wednesday! Wow. I am a little nervous! Rick picked out 3 servers, 3 grill cooks, a prep cook, himself and Caroline to do the video. Since we have all the new equipment and we are doing the best with it in the company Imad decided that our store would make the training video that will be used in all the stores country wide! Ooh my!! Well, I made a little money today, then I went up to the cash stand to be a cashier for 3 hours. I think I will have a pretty good check next week! Yay!! That will pay for my rent. Then, I just gotta save up for the next two - three months expenses (cell phone, insurance, netflix, tanning, storage) and whatever I have left over will be for the trip! I am planning on working 40 hours a week for the next 3 weeks!! I did this week! I only have to do it for a little while before I leave! Then I will have a month off!! And when I come back home I can work even more!! Well, anyhow, I love you so much!! I get to look at the sexy pic of you on my screen saver every time I go to my computer!! Ooh my goodness you are so sexy!! I love and miss you so much!! I'm gonna get off here now! Hope you're having fun!! Love you my love!! You're a sexy bitch!!

Hey baby!! I miss you so much. It is getting harder and harder for me to be without you. I miss you!!!!  OOoohh my! Well, I love you! I went over to my mom's today. It wasn't bad. Took the Hotie! He had fun. They spoil him a lot!! He got to play like crazy with Shannon and the girl's dog Izzy! She is a terrier mix and crazy!! They had a lot of fun. Before they got to mom's hotie went downstairs and ate some cat poop. I cleaned his mouth out with soap. I felt bad, but he stunk so bad!! Then when Izzy came over he decided he liked her pee and licked some of that up too. What an ass!! I had to wash his mouth again, but not with soap, just water. Eww!! Anyhow, he had fun! I talked with mom and Ron and Mosier and with Chase when he wasn't playing his video games. He is such a punk!! I love you!! I miss you sooo much!! Ron tilled up a garden in the back yard. It looks really good!! He even planted cilantro and stuff!! I am a little excited about that! Ooh my! I just wanna hold you so badly! I know it will be soon!! But not soon enough!! Well, I need to go to bed soon. I have to open in the morning. Yuck!! But at least I will be making money!! For us!! YAY!!! I love you sexy bitch!!!! I miss you more than anything!! Bye!! Have lots of fun in California!!! YAY!! Bye my love!! 

we head to california baby!

today, gary and I will leave for livermore to meet cobb. It is only 19 days until we kiss baby! That's right! we're in the teens now, and you make me feel like a teen with the way you love me! we are so silly in love, I hope it lasts in some form forever babe. i know we will get comfortable again, and things might begin to fall into some pattern, but we must not allow ourselves to become complacent with each other. i promise to work with you and make you answer to a higher standard for the rest of our time together. I know you are capable of so much, and all you need is a little water...

i love you babe, and I am so exited to show you!

a midnight entry, a practice in passion

he looked around, it was 11:45pm. the bar was slightly full and people milled about, delicately intoxicated. couples touched and mingled. singles looked around with a hungry glance, searching for that chance to get noticed. the night wore on...

by 12:30 they secured a position playing pool. this went on until they left. he noticed how, as everyone became collectively drunk, they began to resemble various animals that he had seen on the nature channel. there were the sheep, who kept close contact with others in their flock, cautiously entertaining only their close friends. he saw the peacocks, with their popped collars and fitted t-shirts; they knew that every girl was watching them. He noticed the lonely lover, engaged in a sensual embrace with their telecommunication device, somehow they were at the bar and their lover was somewhere else. He noticed the wolves, patiently waiting for someone to become vulnerable enough to approach, wandering from their flock in a confused and forgotten game of "who will notice that I'm gone"...

he wondered about her, and thought how he might feel if he could watch her from across the room. how would she interact with these people? who would notice her? how might they consider a path to her attention? the wolf would certainly see how kind she was to others, he might notice that she has a big heart and friendly eyes. the sheep would feel unafraid to approach her. she is so attractive and nonabrasive.

he knows that she is his girl, yet he fears that in his absence, some crafty and skillful predator could play his hand in just the right way; get her to relate to his sorry story of something loved lost. he can't help but imagine her engaged in a momentary banal act with some attractive male, whom fulfilling an unfulfilled need in her, has won a minute or two of her affection.

he snaps out of it, feeling very weak and self-conscious. he knows that jealously is a trait of the insecure, the weak of spirit. why would the girl he loves, and whom loves him vocally and in action, betray his love? why would he even consider that she would choose some other venue to satisfy her desires?

because we like to hurt ourselves. we are fond of imagining all sorts of insane scenarios in our crooked senses, and feeling bad for having thought them. does he think he is wrong for looking at another woman, noticing she is attractive, and imagining himself locked in some sexual encounter with her. he loves his girl, yet he wants all women. he thinks himself unfit to love, to deserve the devotion and attention of his beloved. will he be able to trust her when she is alone with others? will his mind wander to these fanatic images of her enjoying the body of other men? why is he so insecure? why does he damage his mind with thoughts of pain and suffering?

he wants to believe that he is strong and that if he devotes himself fully to her, that she will never want anything but him. but is this possible? will she not get tired of the same old lemon, day after day, year after year? will one day she see an orange and wonder what that would be like? would she think about how different the orange would be from the lemon, and driven by curiosity seek out the pleasure of it's secrets? does he know that she fears the same thing? that he too might become numb from the same old things...

for now, they cannot wait to be together. everything will be as it was when they began. the days of sequestered torture will be over, and they will consume each other with a fiery passion and lust brought on my many mistakes and painful decisions. but slowly things will become predictable as they always do. comfort will take over and they will become lazy with one another. they might stop asking so much of the other, and soon everyday will take on the same hue. every thought and action can be predicted, every little debate elevated to the level of importance, reserved before only for the most intimate reflections of the soul. they become irritated at nothing, scrutinizing the actions of the other to the point of quarrel...

this was the past. they have learned better now. he knows that things will be different, because they have seen so many fail in the past. lovers become the bitterest of enemies on the battlefield of love. in the end, trying as hard as possible to hurt each other, because they both have failed to respect the others perspective. they have become so selfish in their daily labors, that the reason for why they loved in the first place becomes a novelty. a thing to refer to at dinner parties, and laugh at how now they simply share a bed and some children and a house. and that is life. that is what everyone does...

She keeps stopping herself. She keeps thinking that she shouldn't be worrying about everything, but she does anyhow. Random thoughts enter her mind, she wishes she could just stop feeling so much sometimes, but that is not how it works. What about her humanity? Where would that be without her feelings? Gone. 

She just wants to understand herself better, and maybe him in the process. He asks her why she did it? And with his best friend? She doesn't know exactly one reason, or even all the reasons. He left her. He left her without hope or even anything to hold on to. Nothing to grasp, just emptiness. Out of all the people in her life that had left her, abandoned her, possibly unintentionally, this was the one she cared for the most, because she had allowed herself to. He had promised to never hurt her, but she knew that was impossible, because without pain, there is no appreciation for pleasure, love, life. But to leave her with nothing but her own unshared feelings, thoughts, pain. Her soul, if there is one inside her, was left only to feel its own pain, and the pain of empty wishes and all the promises that had ever been made to her, useless, shattered. 

She decided that she was tired of feeling so much pain. She was tired of getting lemons and more lemons and not seeing anything of a different color, a different texture, a different nature. She wasn't going to let the pain out anymore. It was there already, festering inside her, but she was not going to let it out. She would give it time. Time to stifle it, to let it subside inside her. 

Maybe she was tired of feeling only through her emotions, maybe that was why she did it. Maybe she wanted to feel something different. Or to just be wanted. She chose the wrong person to fulfill whatever it was that she wanted, or didn't want, but what happened, happened. 

Sometimes she wonders if there is any passion left. Where is it and why, if it so strong, does it die out so quickly? Why do we let it? Why did she let it? Maybe it left when she quit letting herself feel, even for that brief time. Maybe if it is not savored, it is lost, until you need to find it again, and it is never as easy as the first time you found it. She feels so empty inside. She can't let it beat her. She can't let it get the best of her because there is more left of her and she needs to be able to let it out some way. somehow. 

She keeps thinking about the person she is. The person he is. How can love be vengeful? Maybe love is just a reaction. A reaction to pain, suffering. Maybe people have to understand pain and suffering before they can know love. She just keeps thinking about why he would want to hurt her. Because she unknowingly hurt him? Does that make it okay to knowingly hurt her? Twice? Does one act deserve another? And another? Will she ever stop deserving his vengeance? Or does she deserve it? To him, yes. To her, no, because she could never hurt him as much as he hurt her. But what about him? His pain? Did he really understand it? Did she? She barely understood her own, as painful as it was to endure. But she is beginning to understand herself more, beginning to understand humanity. 

She is having problems expressing herself. She has buried her feelings so deep inside her being. When he called her this morning, she knew something was wrong. When her started telling her about what he did, she felt as if she had just narrowly escaped a car accident. It has happened before, where her body becomes numb with shock and the flooding of emotions. She is shaky and distant. She is trying not to feel too much because she knows she may never be able to go back. She may never be able to trust herself again, if she lets go of her hold on her lid of pain and emotion. She listens, she cries. She feels pain. But she won't let herself go all the way. 

She loves him. She knows that. But she can't allow herself to keep being punished for something that she can't change. She wonders if she ever punished him for leaving her? She doesn't know. She doesn't feel that what she did was a punishment because she didn't intend it to be that way. She was not justifying what she did with him in her mind because he had hurt her. She was not justifying it at all, except that she was alone, completely alone. And he was there. That was all it took. She was easier than she thought she was. She blames pain, even though she also blames herself. It is too bad that there was mostly only awkwardness, disgustedness, and detachment. No real feeling. She almost feels cheated out of an experience. He had so much fun with his first experience. Maybe even his second. But she had nothing but ill feelings, distaste for herself, and a feeling of ugliness that you get when you do something you really, deep down, didn't want to do. 

 

She is starting to miss herself a little. The passion she felt. She knows she can get it back. It will just take some effort. She also realizes that she is tired of always being the one trying in her relationships. It is like that with her family, some of her friends, and it was like that with her love, her lover. Maybe she should stop trying so hard and let things happen, or let them try a little harder. She knows he is trying now. And that it doesn't have to make up for all the times he wasn't sure about her, because things aren't fair in life. They just are. And maybe sometimes life just keeps handing you lemons, and you just have to eat it and wait for that orange, so that you can savor it, because it is different, maybe not necessarily better, just different. But I guess if you had  been given oranges your whole life, and then you are handed a lemon, maybe you would savor that too, because we all need change, something different to remind us that we are human.

You...

I was just thinking about how wonderful you are and I wanted you to know that I love and miss you. 

wow baby, excellent entry!

I do not think anything you have said its ridiculous! I think your teen idol friend's death can be looked at in many ways. The most important to me is that fact that out of the blue, you thought of him. I think that would have made him happy. What you have found has shed light on human nature and it is a lesson that everyone needs to realize, as you have.

life is so fragile; our consciousness is a heavy burden on us. without it we could mindlessly follow instinct and worry little about feelings and needs. Because you have made realizations about life and death, I feel that you are more equipped to deal with tragedy, and life more generally. There is nothing wrong about how you feel. It is inhuman to not feel, and the people on that radio station did what the Times instructed them. Out with the old and washed up. who cares!

I think our Mind is the greatest gift of Nature. Don't try to shut off or feel bad for being human, I have learned so much from you. I used to believe that to the degree I could separated myself from emotions, I would be stronger and less vulnerable. Look what has happened to me, to us. I was completely unprepared because of my beliefs. I know now that feeling strongly, with or without a reason, has meaning far beyond my limited ability to comprehend. I respect my emotion's control of me, and because of that I feel I can now take the wheel with more direction. And i respect you more than ever...

Come sail away with me baby!

Ooh baby, I don't know why people want to be so unhappy. It is like they expect it, so that they can feel sorry for themselves. A type of recognition. "See I was right! Nothing can last!" I miss you so much and I just want to be with you right now. It is hard for me not to think about everything that has happened and wonder whether or not it is just too good to be true. I hope it isn't, but it just seems like every time I hope it just ends up falling apart.

I am almost afraid to feel anything. I just don't want to lose you, again. You are so wonderful! 

Now I know that this is going to sound silly, but I will tell you anyhow. 

Yesterday, I decided to look up a few people that I use to watch on tv when I was younger. You know, "teen idols" and such. One of my favorites was a guy named Jonathan Brandis. I really thought he was a great actor and person and he was really good looking. Well, when I looked him up, it said that he was dead! I was very shocked, so I Googled it. Apparently, he committed suicide. He tried to hang himself, one of his friends caught him, but not before it had done too much damage. He died in the hospital a little later because of the injuries he had given himself. I just wondered why he would do something like that. His career was flopping and I guess he was just so depressed he didn't feel like he had anything left. I got on a few different sites and one of them was just a bunch of different people talking about him. How nice of a person he was, etc. One of the people had contacted a celebrity station or something to inform them of his death and they responded back, "Who cares?" 

I think that is what got me so down. Just the fact that someone would be so cruel as to just not care about someone else's life. And I just wonder if maybe he had had someone there to support him and tell him that it was ok, and they loved him no matter what, if he still would have done it. I guess it just made me second guess my ideas about human nature. It was a little depressing. 

I'm sorry! I know this may sound ridiculous to you, but to me it was something that represented something more important. I believe that people were put on this Earth to discover and understand and help others to discover and understand, not be selfish and worry about silly, trivial things. To be there for reach other and love and care about each other. 

It just made me sad to think about all the people out there that have no one, but deserve to have someone there for them to care about them, and help them on their way to self discovery.

I love you, baby! I miss you soooooooooooo much!!!

why we wait...

we talk. he said he would call me, and here I set waiting. I wait. and wait. i wonder if he is thinking that I am waiting for him. he has forgotten about me, i am waiting for nothing...

i have gone through this so many times, waiting on someone. i don't know why we do it, but there is something about being disappointed that is appealing. it's like, "i knew this would happen". i almost feel good when I feel bad. let me feel sorry for myself.

why do we do this baby? why is it so easy to get upset? are we predisposed to unhappiness? do we expect it more than happiness? I don't want to be unhappy, especially when there are so many things to be so happy about! like the fact that in only 28 short days, we can be together! like we have never been together before! i know that at least for me, I will enjoy every second with you like there is no tomorrow. when I kiss you, i will pretend that it is the first time. i will get those chillbumps on my arms, and that fluttering in my heart.

my desire for you is immeasurable. i see so many beautiful women around me, and the only one I want is you!

I love you baby, i hope you are ready for me; cause i want to squeeze you tight and never let go...

Ooh thank you baby! That made me feel so much better. Your drive toward certainty makes me feel more at ease. I know there is no complete certainty in your words, but there is hope for it. I love you so much. I want to be with you. Share with you. Love with you. Have fun with you. Cry with you. All the things that couples go through. Please call me when you get back from hiking! I love you, baby!! I hope you have lots of fun with Joe! I think he was pretty excited to come and see you and Cobb!

talking about this is so hard...

we are so different when it comes to "best friends". or maybe I should say that men are different. I think that we compete against each other. look at our cars and how we compare cock sizes. maybe this isn't so much my character, but I am subject to all the slings and arrows of it. as a man, i cannot think of any worse than the girl that I love, or even had loved, having sex with my best friend. it threw me into a type of insecure chaos that I don't think women experience so much. men do not trade with their best friends, well at least to my knowledge. and when they do, it's a pretty sure sign that that man does not care very deeply for that woman. now there are exceptions to the rule, as we have both experienced with worm and his girl, and hopefully Bob-o and Tina!

for the most part, you couldn't have hurt me more than you did. i still can't get over it. but i also feel that it is my fault in many ways. had I only known what you were going through. had you felt that you could come to me, it might have all been different. and this is my fault for not letting you know how very special you are, and always will be to me...even if we don't make it.

but that is not an option for us! we will not be defeated so easily, by some unexplainable act of hopeless desperation. I have learned so much about you, and about women. i feel like i am able now to deal with things i could never imagine. i have been hurt. and hurting like this is something I never want to bring upon anyone, especially you my love. Maybe if I had known a pain this deep, I could have seen how you were feeling on the inside, even as I saw your beautiful smile on the outside.

we have learned something very primitave about ourselves, and I think we can move forward, although a bit shakey. this is the path of lovers, as shakespeare points out above. and I will never leave you lonely again.

i love you more than you can know now, but I am ready to show you everything!

I love you baby.

_travislee.

When you left....

Baby, I love you. I felt so alone when you left. I really just didn't feel like I could talk to you, and even if I did it would have been too hard. Can you imagine talking to the person you love and telling them how much you love and miss them, when you don't even know if they feel the same way? I just didn't think I could. I can't really explain why it happened, but I know that I never really saw Fro as any different than any other person. And your feelings were so mixed about him that I just didn't understand how you felt. You considering him as a "best friend" really confused me about your feelings. Then when you left you said something about "finally" relenting and telling him that you gave him "permission" to do it with me. You asked me here and there whether or not I thought about Fro that way and if I thought I would ever do it with him and I said no. Because I didn't. But that should have been a sign for me to know. I just wish I would have known. I should have known! How stupid of me! I put myself in the situation and even when it felt weird I didn't stop it. I don't know why!!! I thought about you and how much I missed you, but it never occurred to me that it might hurt you. Not even when I called  you that morning. I just felt disgusting! I didn't think that even then it would hurt you. You told me to go out and get laid. Have some fun! Because you were going to! I shouldn't let anything hold me back! And maybe it was because I felt like I had betrayed you, not that I had slept with Fro that I felt so bad, or because it was Fro, or both. I dunno! I just know that I missed you so much and I was trying to get over you and move on and it was so hard! But I did it anyway. I tried not to feel anything when I thought about you or spoke of you or to you. Like separating myself from my feelings.  And when you asked me to come and visit you I was so happy and depressed at the same time because I knew I had to tell you and I was afraid that you wouldn't want to be with me because I had been with someone else. And then when he came into my room that night, that was the straw that broke the camel's back! I felt extremely weird around him after that! Ooh baby! I don't know! Maybe I will figure what the hell I was thinking when it happened. I just don't know. I know that I miss you and love you so much! And I can't wait to see you! But I am afraid that this will tear us apart, if not now, then eventually. I know I can't take back what I did, but I will never do this to you again. I know you love me and I never want to hurt you. I love you baby! I hope one day you will truly forgive me...

Our Saturday night conversation...

hello baby,

i miss you more than ever.

i know now how long each day will be without you near. please forgive my cruelty, when i left you with no one to turn to. i should have told you that you could call me if you get too down. I should have told you that confiding with me on an emotional level was different than simply trying to leave each other alone for the sake of the test that I willfully put us through.

i will never leave you alone again; to wonder while i wander, and not know if i even care about you. i am so ashamed i ever let you doubt that I cared...

_t.