a midnight entry, a practice in passion

he looked around, it was 11:45pm. the bar was slightly full and people milled about, delicately intoxicated. couples touched and mingled. singles looked around with a hungry glance, searching for that chance to get noticed. the night wore on...

by 12:30 they secured a position playing pool. this went on until they left. he noticed how, as everyone became collectively drunk, they began to resemble various animals that he had seen on the nature channel. there were the sheep, who kept close contact with others in their flock, cautiously entertaining only their close friends. he saw the peacocks, with their popped collars and fitted t-shirts; they knew that every girl was watching them. He noticed the lonely lover, engaged in a sensual embrace with their telecommunication device, somehow they were at the bar and their lover was somewhere else. He noticed the wolves, patiently waiting for someone to become vulnerable enough to approach, wandering from their flock in a confused and forgotten game of "who will notice that I'm gone"...

he wondered about her, and thought how he might feel if he could watch her from across the room. how would she interact with these people? who would notice her? how might they consider a path to her attention? the wolf would certainly see how kind she was to others, he might notice that she has a big heart and friendly eyes. the sheep would feel unafraid to approach her. she is so attractive and nonabrasive.

he knows that she is his girl, yet he fears that in his absence, some crafty and skillful predator could play his hand in just the right way; get her to relate to his sorry story of something loved lost. he can't help but imagine her engaged in a momentary banal act with some attractive male, whom fulfilling an unfulfilled need in her, has won a minute or two of her affection.

he snaps out of it, feeling very weak and self-conscious. he knows that jealously is a trait of the insecure, the weak of spirit. why would the girl he loves, and whom loves him vocally and in action, betray his love? why would he even consider that she would choose some other venue to satisfy her desires?

because we like to hurt ourselves. we are fond of imagining all sorts of insane scenarios in our crooked senses, and feeling bad for having thought them. does he think he is wrong for looking at another woman, noticing she is attractive, and imagining himself locked in some sexual encounter with her. he loves his girl, yet he wants all women. he thinks himself unfit to love, to deserve the devotion and attention of his beloved. will he be able to trust her when she is alone with others? will his mind wander to these fanatic images of her enjoying the body of other men? why is he so insecure? why does he damage his mind with thoughts of pain and suffering?

he wants to believe that he is strong and that if he devotes himself fully to her, that she will never want anything but him. but is this possible? will she not get tired of the same old lemon, day after day, year after year? will one day she see an orange and wonder what that would be like? would she think about how different the orange would be from the lemon, and driven by curiosity seek out the pleasure of it's secrets? does he know that she fears the same thing? that he too might become numb from the same old things...

for now, they cannot wait to be together. everything will be as it was when they began. the days of sequestered torture will be over, and they will consume each other with a fiery passion and lust brought on my many mistakes and painful decisions. but slowly things will become predictable as they always do. comfort will take over and they will become lazy with one another. they might stop asking so much of the other, and soon everyday will take on the same hue. every thought and action can be predicted, every little debate elevated to the level of importance, reserved before only for the most intimate reflections of the soul. they become irritated at nothing, scrutinizing the actions of the other to the point of quarrel...

this was the past. they have learned better now. he knows that things will be different, because they have seen so many fail in the past. lovers become the bitterest of enemies on the battlefield of love. in the end, trying as hard as possible to hurt each other, because they both have failed to respect the others perspective. they have become so selfish in their daily labors, that the reason for why they loved in the first place becomes a novelty. a thing to refer to at dinner parties, and laugh at how now they simply share a bed and some children and a house. and that is life. that is what everyone does...