She just wants to understand herself better, and maybe him in the process. He asks her why she did it? And with his best friend? She doesn't know exactly one reason, or even all the reasons. He left her. He left her without hope or even anything to hold on to. Nothing to grasp, just emptiness. Out of all the people in her life that had left her, abandoned her, possibly unintentionally, this was the one she cared for the most, because she had allowed herself to. He had promised to never hurt her, but she knew that was impossible, because without pain, there is no appreciation for pleasure, love, life. But to leave her with nothing but her own unshared feelings, thoughts, pain. Her soul, if there is one inside her, was left only to feel its own pain, and the pain of empty wishes and all the promises that had ever been made to her, useless, shattered.
She decided that she was tired of feeling so much pain. She was tired of getting lemons and more lemons and not seeing anything of a different color, a different texture, a different nature. She wasn't going to let the pain out anymore. It was there already, festering inside her, but she was not going to let it out. She would give it time. Time to stifle it, to let it subside inside her.
Maybe she was tired of feeling only through her emotions, maybe that was why she did it. Maybe she wanted to feel something different. Or to just be wanted. She chose the wrong person to fulfill whatever it was that she wanted, or didn't want, but what happened, happened.
Sometimes she wonders if there is any passion left. Where is it and why, if it so strong, does it die out so quickly? Why do we let it? Why did she let it? Maybe it left when she quit letting herself feel, even for that brief time. Maybe if it is not savored, it is lost, until you need to find it again, and it is never as easy as the first time you found it. She feels so empty inside. She can't let it beat her. She can't let it get the best of her because there is more left of her and she needs to be able to let it out some way. somehow.
She keeps thinking about the person she is. The person he is. How can love be vengeful? Maybe love is just a reaction. A reaction to pain, suffering. Maybe people have to understand pain and suffering before they can know love. She just keeps thinking about why he would want to hurt her. Because she unknowingly hurt him? Does that make it okay to knowingly hurt her? Twice? Does one act deserve another? And another? Will she ever stop deserving his vengeance? Or does she deserve it? To him, yes. To her, no, because she could never hurt him as much as he hurt her. But what about him? His pain? Did he really understand it? Did she? She barely understood her own, as painful as it was to endure. But she is beginning to understand herself more, beginning to understand humanity.
She is having problems expressing herself. She has buried her feelings so deep inside her being. When he called her this morning, she knew something was wrong. When her started telling her about what he did, she felt as if she had just narrowly escaped a car accident. It has happened before, where her body becomes numb with shock and the flooding of emotions. She is shaky and distant. She is trying not to feel too much because she knows she may never be able to go back. She may never be able to trust herself again, if she lets go of her hold on her lid of pain and emotion. She listens, she cries. She feels pain. But she won't let herself go all the way.
She loves him. She knows that. But she can't allow herself to keep being punished for something that she can't change. She wonders if she ever punished him for leaving her? She doesn't know. She doesn't feel that what she did was a punishment because she didn't intend it to be that way. She was not justifying what she did with him in her mind because he had hurt her. She was not justifying it at all, except that she was alone, completely alone. And he was there. That was all it took. She was easier than she thought she was. She blames pain, even though she also blames herself. It is too bad that there was mostly only awkwardness, disgustedness, and detachment. No real feeling. She almost feels cheated out of an experience. He had so much fun with his first experience. Maybe even his second. But she had nothing but ill feelings, distaste for herself, and a feeling of ugliness that you get when you do something you really, deep down, didn't want to do.
She is starting to miss herself a little. The passion she felt. She knows she can get it back. It will just take some effort. She also realizes that she is tired of always being the one trying in her relationships. It is like that with her family, some of her friends, and it was like that with her love, her lover. Maybe she should stop trying so hard and let things happen, or let them try a little harder. She knows he is trying now. And that it doesn't have to make up for all the times he wasn't sure about her, because things aren't fair in life. They just are. And maybe sometimes life just keeps handing you lemons, and you just have to eat it and wait for that orange, so that you can savor it, because it is different, maybe not necessarily better, just different. But I guess if you had been given oranges your whole life, and then you are handed a lemon, maybe you would savor that too, because we all need change, something different to remind us that we are human.
No comments:
Post a Comment