When you left....

Baby, I love you. I felt so alone when you left. I really just didn't feel like I could talk to you, and even if I did it would have been too hard. Can you imagine talking to the person you love and telling them how much you love and miss them, when you don't even know if they feel the same way? I just didn't think I could. I can't really explain why it happened, but I know that I never really saw Fro as any different than any other person. And your feelings were so mixed about him that I just didn't understand how you felt. You considering him as a "best friend" really confused me about your feelings. Then when you left you said something about "finally" relenting and telling him that you gave him "permission" to do it with me. You asked me here and there whether or not I thought about Fro that way and if I thought I would ever do it with him and I said no. Because I didn't. But that should have been a sign for me to know. I just wish I would have known. I should have known! How stupid of me! I put myself in the situation and even when it felt weird I didn't stop it. I don't know why!!! I thought about you and how much I missed you, but it never occurred to me that it might hurt you. Not even when I called  you that morning. I just felt disgusting! I didn't think that even then it would hurt you. You told me to go out and get laid. Have some fun! Because you were going to! I shouldn't let anything hold me back! And maybe it was because I felt like I had betrayed you, not that I had slept with Fro that I felt so bad, or because it was Fro, or both. I dunno! I just know that I missed you so much and I was trying to get over you and move on and it was so hard! But I did it anyway. I tried not to feel anything when I thought about you or spoke of you or to you. Like separating myself from my feelings.  And when you asked me to come and visit you I was so happy and depressed at the same time because I knew I had to tell you and I was afraid that you wouldn't want to be with me because I had been with someone else. And then when he came into my room that night, that was the straw that broke the camel's back! I felt extremely weird around him after that! Ooh baby! I don't know! Maybe I will figure what the hell I was thinking when it happened. I just don't know. I know that I miss you and love you so much! And I can't wait to see you! But I am afraid that this will tear us apart, if not now, then eventually. I know I can't take back what I did, but I will never do this to you again. I know you love me and I never want to hurt you. I love you baby! I hope one day you will truly forgive me...